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Merluzeando
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menú
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Muerte #50886. EL APURADO PERFECTO

El otro día tuve la impresión de que protagonizaba un capítulo de “1000 MANERAS DE MORIR”, ese programa que recrea muertes ridículas. Mi episodio no empezaría con el habitual “En un pequeño pueblo cerca de Wisconsin, Masschussets” sino que la voz en off del narrador diría:

“En un barrio obrero de Madrid, el pequeño Merluzo ha decido afeitarse la barba guarra de naufrago porque va a asistir a la Gala de los Premios 20 Blogs. La idea de dejarse un bigote anacrónico juguetea con su mente.

 

Al final se decide a hacerlo. Para ello debe recortarse la barba primero, así que desempolva una vieja máquina eléctrica de afeitar que le dio su hermano mayor hace ya mucho tiempo.

 


La máquina de afeitar es una de esas “muy de barbero de toda la vida”: una empuñadura negra de plástico que en su extremo tiene una parte metálica consistente en dos cuchillas dentadas puestas una frente la otra.

 

 Al enchufarla, un sonido de cortadora de césped debería haberle prevenido de que ese trasto ya no estaba por la labor de afeitar a nadie. Pero nuestro pobre imbécil es que… pues eso, es imbécil. Mira a las cuchillas y ve que están como poseídas por una especie de furia contenida. Algo obstruye el mecanismo.

 

Entonces nuestro pobre imbécil tiene la desafortunada idea de aflojar los tornillos que sirven de unión para las dos partes y así liberar algo de espacio, de manera que las cuchillas vayan más fluidas.  Y lo consigue. El pequeño Merluzo se vanagloria de haber ejercido de manitas y haber solucionado un problema casero con un destornillador, (para el género masculino esto siempre supone una gran satisfacción).

 

Se acerca confiado la máquina de afeitar al cuello para empezar por donde se encuentra la nuez, cuando uno de los tornillos (que se ha ido soltando poco a poco por el meneo que lleva la máquina) sale disparado contra el espejo que se parte en mil trozos formando una telaraña de cristal.

 

Al mismo tiempo, una cuchilla (al no encontrar sujeción por la falta del tornillo) sale disparada como una flecha hacia la yugular de nuestro pobre imbécil rebanándole el cuello y cayendo fulminado al instante. Su arteria carótida abierta en canal hace que la sangre salga a borbotones decorando el suelo del cuarto de baño con un bonito charco rojo.

 

Parece que nuestro pobre imbécil no podrá asistir a tan celebrado acontecimiento.– Acaba diciendo el narrador con tono jocoso.

 

Un plano general fijo nos muestra toda la escena desde una fría pero eficaz perspectiva. Como si fuera un cuadro de Hopper, todo parece inundado por una quietud inquietante y el único sonido que se escucha es el irritante ceceo de la máquina de afeitar colgando del enchufe junto al espejo.

Un doctor en medicina forense (de procedencia asiática) nos enseña a través de un gráfico cuál fue la trayectoria de la cuchilla y cómo perforó una arteria vital.

Finalmente, vemos un primer plano de la cara de Merluzo con la lengua fuera y una mueca inhumana. Un grafismo cutre se incrusta en la imagen:

Muerte #50886. EL APURADO PERFECTO

-Vamos, que el otro día casi me corto el cuello con la dichosa maquinilla antes de ir a los Premios… –

25 febrero, 2013


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2 respuestas a “Muerte #50886. EL APURADO PERFECTO”


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  1. Cras dice:

    Me ha encantado! jajaja Estaba viendo el programa en mi cabeza conforme leía.
    Genial!

  2. El Señor Txon dice:

    Jajaja. Y aún no estás de guionista en “1000 maneras de morir” ? 😀


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