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ASCAZO INFERNAL – volumen 1

Amiguillos, creo que me estoy aburguesando. No sé. El caso es que este año en el Oktoberfest (Munich) hemos cogido un hotel de mala muerte sin un mínimo de salubridad.

En un principio no pasa nada, porque sabíamos que todos los días íbamos a llegar con cinco litros de cerveza en el estómago y sólo necesitábamos un camastro donde dormir la mona.

Pero lo que yo no esperaba es que estas dos simples palabras “Baños Comunitarios” me iban a llevar por unos derroteros que sólo soy capaz de definir como ASCAZO INFERNAL.3

Os pongo en situación:

Primera Noche

Me levanto a las cuatro de la mañana. Todos los litros de cerveza que había bebido durante el día hicieron que tuviera unos retortijones espectaculares. Así que me levanté y salí de la habitación a la carrera por esos pasillos de película de miedo hasta llegar a los baños comunitarios.

Allí tengo la infinita suerte de que no hay nadie, así que me meto en un urinario, me bajo los pantalones del pijama y allí exprimo mi intestino grueso. Me limpio y cuando me voy a subir los pantalones, me doy cuenta de que el suelo está encharcado de meados varios y que se me ha empapado el pantalón del pijama de todos estos meados y lo noto sobre todo en las corvas (los sobacos de las piernas) al subirme los pantalones. Siento cómo meados varios recorren la mitad de mis piernas hacia abajo como si fuera un tobogán. El ascazo es máximo.

Por supuesto, luego en la habitación me limpio como buenamente puedo las piernas y me despido de mis pantalones del pijama para siempre.

Primera Mañana

Al día siguiente de empaparme con el pis de extraños borrachos, al despertar, sólo pensar en volver a aquellos baños miserables me revolvía el estómago. Pero debía ducharme, porque pese a que el hotel era un poco guarrete no debía serlo yo también. Me dije a mí mismo: ¡en peores plazas había toreao, Merluzo!

Me daba miedo pisar “a pie descalzo” en las duchas comunes. Así que fui a sacar las chanclas de la maleta y ¡HORROR! No hay chanclas. Las olvidé.

Quisiera puntualizar que no eran un montón de duchas comunes, sino que eran dos putas duchas para toda una planta del hotel. Estaba convencido de que si pisaba allí con el pie desnudo iba a coger hongos, herpes, y puede que hasta una enfermedad venérea. Así que tuve la brillante idea de que podía ducharme con los calcetines puestos.

Me encaminé por el pasillo en calzoncillos, las botas puestas y toalla en mano. Tuve suerte porque, de nuevo, no había nadie en el baño.

Me desnudo (menos los calcetines) y me meto en la ducha. El descorrer la cortina ya me dio bastante asco, pero es que al dar el agua, esa maldita cortina (que a saber la de mierda que tenía) no hacía más que intentar abrazarme.

Al menos el agua salía caliente, menos mal. Me enjabono lo más rápido que puedo deseando salir de allí cuanto antes.

A todo esto la sensación de ducharte con calcetines es bastante asquerosa. Sientes como si el calcetín estuviese relleno de mayonesa. Y a cada movimiento se escucha un pppprrrrff prrrff muy desagradable.

Descorro la cortina para secarme, y veo como un tipo grandote con melena sale de los urinarios que están justo en frente de las duchas. Al principio, no noté nada e inicié el proceso de secado no sin antes quitarme los calcetines porque el asco estaba alcanzando cotas desconocidas por el ser humano. Pero de pronto, aquello dejó de preocuparme porque sentí como un bofetón de mierda me sacudía el cuerpo entero. Se ve que aquel tipo del pelo largo había cagado como un oso y el baño olía como su puta madre.

Y además, es que ese puto olor al juntarse con el vapor que se había formado por el agua caliente, le dio al olor a mierda bastante cuerpo y pude notar cómo el pestuzo cambiaba del estado gaseoso a ser casi sólido y que estaba por todas partes inundándome. Sentía que todos los poros y pliegues de mi piel estaban cubiertos de cacota de oso.

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Tuve que volver a meterme en la ducha para quitarme aquel pegote que sentía pegado a mí. Y esta vez sin calcetines.

Me di un agua rápida, salí de los baños con la toalla en la cintura hacia la habitación y con la sensación aún impresa en mi cuerpo de haberme dado un baño de mierda. Literalmente.

 

Continuará…

27 octubre, 2014


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Una respuesta a “ASCAZO INFERNAL – volumen 1”


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  1. Paloma dice:

    Un título muy buen puesto, he estado todo el rato pensando ‘joder, qué asco’


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